if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
