All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
