I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
