Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
