Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
