Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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