How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
