Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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