Capitaan dildo arrescate!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
