Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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