i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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