just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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