You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
