when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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