3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
