I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
