i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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