i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
