Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
