No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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