I think I just saw someone hide a body.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
