Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
