i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
