My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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