sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
