Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
