You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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