I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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