matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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