How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
