Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
