What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How's work?
Spinning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize