Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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