she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize