Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
