ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
