you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
