I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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