My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
COCAINE IS GR8
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
