I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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