fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
