It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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