I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
