i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
