When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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