there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
