I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
