i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
