Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
