I'm so fucking centered right now
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you told grandpa to call you daddy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
