Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
