I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The cops high fived after they tackled you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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