If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
