I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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