you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
