"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
