I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
