guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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