I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Houston, we have a squirter
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
