so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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